The Magnificent Seven- ATF AU / Rated PG-13
A Letter to the Editor:
I have been a long time reader of your magazine. I always find excellent tips for fitness and for other men’s health issues. And I have to say, some of the pictures in your zine are quite nice, if you know what I mean.
Now, that being said, I think you have made a huge mistake! I read last month’s article, “Manscaping: What the Ladies Like.” Now, being a bit of a ladies’ man myself, I was inspired to try shaving. If women truly like it, what is there to lose, I figured. Now, I actively “groom” (and who doesn’t these days), but I had no idea what I was in for. You should really have had some sort of disclaimer about what would happen once you shaved the boys.
But I am getting ahead of myself. Now, it feels right nice when you first do it, all smooth and such. I had me a date that first night, and whoo-eee! was she appreciative. We had some right fun, we did. And we had plans to have more fun that weekend.
Now, this is where you led us astray. Two days after my “new haircut”, I woke up with the most unbelievable feeling of itching. I wanted to gouge my boys with a fork. Later, I wanted to assault them with a knife. Even later on, I actually wished to die.
How could you do us like that? I couldn’t walk right, I couldn’t sit without wiggling in my chair. I ended up holding an icepack to my boys (and I don’t think they’ll ever forgive me… do you know how unpleasant that is?) to dull the throbbing itch! Creams and powders offered only a little bit of help. And worse of all, I had to cancel my date with my new lady friend. And if that wasn’t bad enough, when she came by the next day to surprise me (I had told her I was sick), she walks in and finds me sitting on the couch, naked, with a bag of ice on my lap. She ran away, actually really ran away, worrying I had “given her something”.
After everything grew back, and I could walk again, I tried to make it up to her. She didn’t return my calls.
So, I’m writing to you, hoping to spread the word to my fellow ladies’ men, please consider the outcome before you go all gung ho like I did. And also to plainly ask, “How you gonna do me like that?”
Ezra read the entry again. His smile never wavered, and his laugh filled his living room.
It had to be Buck. There was no doubt in his mind. Last month, Buck had told everyone he had been elbowed in a delicate area when he was trying to block a jump shot in a game of pickup basketball. Sounded reasonable enough, and everyone winced in sympathy when he told them of his predicament. Nathan had even offered some helpful advice on how to alleviate swelling. There had been a few times in the office that Buck had been sitting at his desk with an ice pack on his lap. Being who they were, everyone had razzed him after the initial sympathy. There were plenty of “herpes” jokes, “blue ball” jokes, and countless others. But once everything seemed all better, life went on.
Now as Ezra relaxed at home, catching up on some reading it all fell into place. The ladies’ man had taken a gamble writing in to a magazine that the rest of the team might read. Then again, this was public now.
This was going to be way too much fun.
Picking up his cell phone, he called the one person who would revel in this as much as he was.
“Vin, you want to have a little bit of fun?”
A chuckle answered him.
Buck walked into the office the next day sporting his usual big grin. “Morning boys!” he crooned as he entered the office area.
Everyone sat quietly, not responding to the boisterous man’s greeting. Perplexed, Buck continued towards his desk. Then he saw why everyone was quiet. “Dammit,” he said as he dropped his head. Behind his desk, hanging on the wall, was a poster-sized copy of his letter to the editor. Parts were highlighted.
On his desk sat a basketball covered in shaving cream, with a shave mark down the middle of the foam. There was a set of clippers sitting in his in box. There were industrial size cream and powder used to help itching. There was a pack of condoms with a note saying “Remember to practice safe sex.” There was a fork and a knife, both tied with bows. And there was a large bucket of ice and six ice packs sitting in the middle of his desk.
Buck sighed loudly. “You guys suck,” he said, laughing with the obvious humor of the situation.
When the howling laughter of his teammates subsided, Ezra spoke up.
“The Editor’s reply is even better, I think,” he said. “We have received some correspondence about last month’s article, ‘Manscaping: What Ladies Like’. Further explanation as to the effects of shaving should have been given. We regret any discomfort that may have befallen our unsuspecting readers.”
Buck groaned as he sat in his chair.
“You feeling any ‘discomfort’ Buck?” asked JD.
“Shut up, kid,” Buck groaned as his friends started laughing anew.
© Sarah 2010